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August 1st, 2003


11:36 pm - crawl inside
and so it goes. life, that is.

the season wears on and I can successfully recite As You Like It word for word without much help. I know where there should be sound and light cues as well. ugh.

the summer has breezed by much too quickly. I think of it everynight...how have I made it through another night? when each evening it starts so slowly and ends too soon...breaking my heart when it rains past 8 o'clock and we are cancelled. that's what happened today. at 4:15pm the sky turned black, the street lights turned on, and the sky wept for someone's sake. it also pelted hail against my glass block windows, filling my room with the tink-tink-tink of an icey minuet. with winds tearing trees by their roots and tiles flying from the roof, sirens screamed and all was well. I didn't get the call that there wasn't a show until I was driving right up to the park. after I went to great harvest, of course. so I made a stupid sign for the barn door, complete with the plastic wrap around the ice mountain bottles in the fridge duct taped to keep the paper from dissolving with the rain.

and so it goes.

for 6 months my compilation journal has been missing. and the night that I found it hidden in the living room in a place that I saw every single goddamn day....was the same night that I consoled JT and made sure that he okay. he's going through the same self-denial vs. sudden grandiosity, impulsive, lonely, sexually frustrated, and depressed shit that I was going through last fall into early spring this year. so the book went to him the following night...and he's reading it.
(not like Jordan, whom I've made a mix tape for a week ago and he hasn't bothered to listen to it yet...that dick)

I can say that the summer has been very enlightening. after shedding that admiration and pure desire to have Kyle all to myself...I learned something very very valuable. that as soon as you stop hanging all over the person of your affection and not pay as much attention to them or even talk to them as much....they grow jealous. they miss that attention and they want it back even if they really don't know why. I stopped worshipping Kyle to love JT as a friend and let him into my life...and therefore Kyle is outside my investments. my work with Kyle never really paid off...I haven't said half as much shit to him as I have to JT and with JT it's very different. he's open. Kyle is a little full of himself. and I'm not afraid of JT like I was of Kyle. I was afraid to touch him, call him, talk to him, ask something of him.....

I fucking danced with JT at the Nutbush. what does that say about growing up? hahahahaaa....the nutbush.

yes, Alex, I went to the Nutbush. lol.


-----------------------------------------------

I'm officially single as well. steve's in nowhere land and if and when he ever bothers to call me (presumably when he wants to get laid) I'm going to tell him to fuck off. bullshit that he can't find any time...
I just wanted to be his friend as much as a fuck buddy. I'm done with letting myself be stepped on and disrespected in that way. I'm a fucking person for chrissake...not a tool to use when you wish.


everyone else I have rid of because they were doing just what steve's doing. no excuse to forget calling me or lose my number. seems you can always find it when your dick wants to get wet. fucking pricks. they can bite my big, white ass.
---------------------------

bob can bite my ass too.

not my friend bob, the stage manager bob.

---------------------------

I dyed my hair fire engine-red. it rocks.


-------------------

have a new cell phone, it's smaller than a pack of ciggies. I can't stand the thing....a nuisance....a hazard. bah!

---------------------



been writing a lot.


---------------

I just can't get you off of my mind.

think of me.
-c

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July 17th, 2003


05:05 pm
sparrow
Oh my. *blush* Have an excellent time with
Captain Jack Sparrow, just be careful of what
he'll pull from you (sexual or otherwise) while
you're not looking. Certainly, it's hard to
resist a man who can make you laugh while
kicking ass in dreads and eyeliner.


Who's Your Pirates of the Caribbean Love Match?
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i'm in love with johhnny depp

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04:00 pm
take me back to the time

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02:27 pm - i have nails!
Labrador
What Common Breed of Dog Are You?

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so, I've taught myself to quit biting my goddamn nails. they're really really long, i can hardly type. before, where I would only get like one or two typos, I get a billion. check this out----it seems like I'm drunk:
hey now hey now
am I derunk? am ?/ I've taghyt myself to quoite btig my goddamn nail.,s tyey're really really long, I can hardly type. before, whe4re4 I would oly get ike one or two typos, I get a billon. check this out.

it sucks, but hey....I have nails!!!!!!!!!


------------------------------

i'm really surpised at how often I think of Dylan. i suppose it's becuase i still have such strong feelings for him....in my mind I still want to see him one day. I think that someday when I am older and wiser I will make that journey to find him. but not now, never now. my mind is so strange about this whole mess....it's telling me that everything could untangle one day and that those feelings that invaded my heart for so long will have meaning. I doubt on the highest that anything could possibly happen between me and him....respect and trust has been so fucked up in the past year and a half that it would be impossible. yet for some reason I keep hoping.
------------------------------------------------

everything is going well. work sucks but hey, it's better than the lake theatre.

i have the hugest crush on JT and another on Jordan. Alice has taken JT and for Jordan, he has a girlfriend. oh well. I'll live.


-----------

I'm growing increasingly more and more angry with steve. he's really managed to piss me off. he's doing the thing where everytime that I call, it's the wrong time. he claims he's really busy.....but as it seems, he only calls me when he wants to get laid.


grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

-------------------------------------------------------

yeah. and so it goes.
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: the gossip, chicks on speed, damone, space craft, ziggy2000

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July 1st, 2003


02:08 pm
I wonder if he's thinking of me.
(see "green and blue"...that was someting on the waaay inside in our discussions)

perhaps I am just a fool.

http://phred.org/~dylan/writings.htm

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01:13 pm
alright....I figured I should update on some things that have been happening.

I'm at the moment in time right now, where I am flirting waaaay too much with a few of the people at festival. such as Kyle, Jordan, JT, and Tom. bad habit I guess. the two that seem to not care at all are Jordan and Kyle....I play with Kyle's hair all of the time ;-)


when we're all at Haran's Snug in Forest Park....drunk as hell....the flirting goes into overdrive. which is fine lol. we're there nearly every Friday and Saturday night. rock on.


since tonight is the opening....I shall be home, drunk, once again. what's remarkable is that I always seem to stop drinking right as soon as I get drunk and just short of waking up with a hangover. I've never had one in my life.


haven't had sex in about a month. great improvement for me. that means that my sex drive isn't leading me anymore. thank god.


I want Jordan. I want JT. but I still want Kyle more than them all. ehhh...well....I'm such a fool. maybe I'll reach the point this summer where I am cute enough to date one of the actors. hahahahaha.



think of me.
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: stardust (the david bowie tribute band!!!)

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12:57 pm
so today is my birthday. yay!!!! ???

legal. happy. it's all good.


I just applied for a credit card....after searching and searching for one that seemed like it wouldn't hunt me down and kill me right away. seems I don't get too many options since I work for a non-for-profit company and I am still a student. oh well.

I'm doing it to make life a lil easier. I wouldn't get it if I didn't know if I could pay it off. I know I can handle it. no problem.


opening is tonight. rock on.


wow....I am so boring.

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June 28th, 2003


03:13 pm - I'll be home soon....
and so it goes....

the season of As You Like It runs smoothly and we all are wondering "why is it so easy?"

oh...that's right.....no chafing personalities to rub you the wrong way. thank god.



last night we all went to Haran's Snug in Forest Park to chill in the beer garden. nearly 20 out of 25 of us in the theatre group hung out for two hours before they closed the patio and made us move inside. kyle, Alice, and I drank a bit of Foster's and goofed off until one. I was the commanding officer of those who bummed cigarettes that night. I offered to pay for a bunch from Jon (he prefers JT....new guy this season) but he wouldn't allow it. so K-Rad, Alice, and I just passed the cigarette around quickly so we all could get a good third of it. we are all so fucking broke.


kyle left as did many others. eventually those who remained were me, alice, and two new fellows : Jim and JT. Alice and I both fell for JT because he's really too damn quiet for his own good. Jim's a cranky old man with an eye patch....but I love him.


I drunkenly called steve from the bar at around 1:20 am or so. he's in Milwaukee.....and I highly doubt that as the days go by I become any more of a priority to him than what he is forced to exert. Used once again.

after four fosters I called it a night and stumbled out of Alice's car and up to the doorway. I stripped as I went up the stairs, hopped in bed naked, and switched on Chicks on Speed....a magnificent cd that Kyle loaned to me.

I woke up to mum at 6 o'clock....time to go to IKEA. ohhhh yay.


shit....gotta go to work.


think about me.

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June 21st, 2003


10:07 pm
my geekiness rank: 17.55424% - Geek
I'm probably only a geek because I went to private school for so long and my IQ doesn't drop as fast as everyone who went to PS.


Indie wedding
What's Your Wedding Style?

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Okay....here are two versions of this fucker:


ladyorange
Magic Number9
JobLeader of the Free World
PersonalityVicarious
TemperamentCool And Calm
SexualGay
Likely To WinA Home Help Badge
Me - In A WordStartling
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack



remedy701
Magic Number24
JobPorn Star
PersonalitySunshine And Blue Skies
TemperamentNervous
SexualGay
Likely To WinNothing
Me - In A WordEffervescent
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack



Redhead
You are a Redhead. Feisty, shy, and you accent well
with the color green! Redheads are hard to come
by, so be thankful for your uniqueness!


What color is your hair?
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Exotic Dancer
You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
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Angry Goth
Angry Goth


What Kind of Goth Are You?
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someone stole the Turqoise Torpedo. I'm completely fucking serious....someone broke one of the windows and took off with it. stupid fucking cops....like they care. they could at least act like they're interested.

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05:29 pm - how wonderful life feels.....
after 2 weeks of nearly pure insanity...I am thankful to be home. after a series of planes/trains/automobiles yesternoon, I managed to crash on the front steps at 7 pm. disgracing, the fact that I didn't have my keys and mum wasn't home.

she showed up eventually. I think.

the amtrak was scheduled to show yesterday before noon but did not until 2:30....everyone at the Normal station was pissed. when we (this chiq named Ruby I met at the station n' I) got on the last coach car...no seats were left because a group of cheerleaders each took their own row to paint their toenails and sprawl out so that us ugly chiquies (I guess) would have to stand. Ruby and I snuck into the $300 upgrade sleeping cabins. so we sat in our own room (WOOOHOOO!), stole gallons of applejuice and about 4 coronas, hard-ass cookies, and pillows from the front-of-the-car wayward that was unmanned for some time. we had a lot of fun. the train arrived around 5:10 at Union, we got out of the Clinton Street Exit a little while later, dragging our bags, and we said our goodbye's as I hopped into a checkertea that didn't know where the hell the clinton green line was. boy, did that picker not get a tip. I got back to OP later on the El and got another cab...this one was much better. I gave him a ten bull tip for taking me to shell, making it quite a bit over a 20 per tax. more like a hundertwenty. the whole ride home, I smoked a cigar...it was delightful. "just because I quit doesn't mean you have to"


gramps and daddy-o were psychotic as usual....there's not much to really talk about. I smoked a lot of cigarettes, bought him art-deco ufo ashtrays for him for father's day and gave him a lot of rub-downs throughout the time I was there. I will miss him....he's quite an entertainer/monologuer when I feel not like replying.


tomorrow begins the vicious season of As You Like It.....the actual show does not happen....but we get together to slam and decide who the flits from the cute but flavorless nancy's are. I'm sure that there will be a great many of them this year.


no more weekends. a lot of going to the Y. another summer begins today and tomorrow.

I read:
AntiBodies
Catcher in the Rye

watched a helluva lot of movies.



later.
Jim Dandy!

think of me.
Current Mood: dorkydorky
Current Music: melissa etheridge, black oak arkansas

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